Face Down Fear & Live Your Best Life

Facing my Fear at +8,000 FT Above Idyllwild, CA

From the frenetic flow of a big city block bustling with noise and bodies in motion, I entered the vaccine clinic. It hummed with calm activity as patients were guided between intake and vaccination stations. As an entrepreneur who exists in an environment thoroughly unpredictable, stepping into this controlled, efficient setting was almost…relaxing.

“NOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOO!! I don’t WAAAAAANNNNNNT ittttttt!!!”

A young child’s whine pierced the air. I had just taken a seat beside a nurse practitioner, when a little girl ahead of me began crying. Her braids tossed from side to side as she nodded with forcefulness and crossed her arms in opposition. Her mom leaned over with soft words, but it did little good. What started as a muffled refusal, grew in volume and octave when the nurse approached. Her father was summoned to provide backup. Perched on his lap, his thick arms encircling her, she chirped and cried. Then at the sight of the uncapped needle, her voice unabashedly filled every square inch of the room:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

It was hard to watch. She objected with all the vigor and visceral emotion of someone facing possible death. Her fear was all-consuming.

Our minds are amazing organs—cognitive powerhouses that we can train to achieve the extraordinary: To endure physical extremes, survive daunting threats and even heal ourselves.

However, they can also function like that of an 8-year-old fearful of needles—determined to block whatever action we’re aiming to take. That screaming voice? It’s our brain fighting against our step outside the comfort zone. Nevermind logic. This is a crisis. Suddenly, we’re fully focused on the fear and nothing beyond it. Our thoughts are spinning like pirouetting dancers through ALL the possible disasters that could result from whatever “risk” we’re exploring.

Get Honest: What are the possible outcomes?

How serious are they…really?

In sharing my writing, I risk exposure. I could misspel somthing. I could offend someone. I could sound boring, parochial or inane. As a result, possible outcomes include having people read my work and not take it seriously. They could think it’s crap. Some may not read it at all. And there may be others who get something out of it.

However, my life is still intact in the wake of any of these outcomes. Yes, if a reader posts something unkind, it’ll smart a bit. Really, I’m writing for the readers in the last group. Every other outcome? Meh.

Many of my clients have fears around networking. Many people feel uncomfortable in this space, especially when they’re on the hunt for a job. It can feel awkward or like an ask for charity. The prospect of interrupting a contact with an email to ask for a sliver of their time may seem audacious. Possible outcomes include reaching the contact who doesn't reply, reaching the contact who's unavailable until 2025 or reaching the contact who’s more than happy to have a conversation.

As for seriousness, you’ve received a disappointing email (or no response at all) and that can bruise for a moment. But it’s hardly skydiving with a refurbished parachute. You’ll survive. On the upside, it’s likely to make you all the more thrilled for the positive replies.

Know your Script for Procrastination

Our brains are sneaky buggers. Facing down your fear is exactly when procrastination flexes its steel-like strength.

I always know when the house needs straightening—it’s when I’m prepping to sit down and write! Without fail, enroute to the computer I start noticing dustbunnies in distant corners, that the bed is missing hospital corners and oh, the coffee carafe isn’t spotless. It’s rubbish and a time-suck distraction.

Know your procrastination script so you can call it out for what it is. What excuse do you lean on to delay stepping into action? Mine is cleaning. Some days, I’ll indulge it a little and set a timer. I can tidy up for 5 minutes. Social media can be a tremendous procrastination enabler. That’s why there’s a market for Internet blocking software for writers. Set strong limits on your procrastination. The next strategy can help.

Enroll an

Accountability Partner

You can do this with one other person or even a small team. Ideally, find someone who’s stretching to grow, too. It’s helpful if they’re positive and ready to call you on your sh*t. They won’t let you declare easy excuses--"those dishes won’t wash themselves!”—for delaying progress. Share your aims and deadlines for action. Also, be prepared to cheer for each other. Affirming texts and comments can make a difference in our momentum.

I have an accountability partner I connect with daily. We call it the “10 at 10” and speak briefly to lay out our main goals for each day. On some, we’ll talk longer to unpack challenges and get support. Throughout each day, we text updates and send confetti messages in return. It may sound simple, but having an accountability partner has helped me produce at least twice as much writing as I was generating on my own.

Write your “Greatest Hits”

Belief can be an enabler of fear. We know in psychology that it can be an enormous obstacle to action. Reinforce your belief that whatever this risk-taking action is, you’ve tackled something tough before and succeeded!

Spell out your Greatest Hits—the accomplishments you’re most proud of or challenges you’ve endured and overcome. Professional (Promoted? Graduated? Endured a toxic boss?), personal (Married 5 years? 50 years? Have lifelong friendships?) or even health successes (Birth a child? In remission? Heal from covid?). If that accomplishment is related to your fear, even better.

This is also a fabulous exercise whenever you’re feeling blue. We’ve all got achievements behind us. Celebrate them!

Slice and Dice It

When facing a fear, the first step can be the very hardest. This is when our minds are working most aggressively to keep us nestled in the comfort zone (i.e. on the couch, streaming “The Great”, a pint of ice cream in-hand). Safe.

So dice this fear down. You don’t consume a whole Porterhouse steak in one bite. Break it into simple slices or steps. Here’s an example for my networking clients:

1. Identify a contact of interest

2. Look them up on LinkedIn and research their company

3. Pull together 3-5 key insights about them, their current role and industry

4. Draft an email opening

Truth is, once you’ve gone this far, your next attempt will not be as painful. Fear has a way of vaporizing when we step into it. But be sure to maintain momentum. This is what I’ve learned with my writing. When I wait too long between posts, the fear can return. Build enough momentum to crush your fear. Boom!

Act When You’re Energized

Behavioral researchers know that it takes energy to practice new health habits and resist our default patterns. The same is true of addressing and overcoming fear. The more tired we are, the more easily our brains will fall into a default pattern of cycling through calamitous thoughts or into procrastination.

Jujutsu your way past this possibility by planning ahead. Are you a morning bird or night owl? If you’re not sure, pay attention throughout the workday and see when you feel most able to follow through on tasks and obligations with fuel to spare. Make THIS the time of day you face down fear.

I write in the morning after my meditation practice and a walk with the dog. In 2022, I’m practicing an even earlier start (5AM) so I can dive into it first thing. This is before my inner critic is even awake…and sometimes the dog, too.

Fear is an

Signpost for Growth

Many of the world’s greatest scientists, artists, innovators and writers grappled with fear at one time, too (or repeatedly). Singer Adele (and countless others) suffer severe nausea from stage fright, yet tour and perform in front of thousands; Winston Churchill had serious public speaking fears early in his career, yet is remembered as one of our greatest orators; Charles Darwin suffered anxiety and agoraphobia, which made his global travels an extraordinarily courageous act.

As these leaders show, fear can be a strong indicator of exactly where we’re meant to go. To enable fear ultimately means we’re shortchanging ourselves and not experiencing our fullest lives or growing out our gifts to their greatest extent. If we get honest with ourselves, what we stand to lose in not facing down fear is a much greater loss for us and those around us.

Channel A Friend…Who’s Passed On

What advice would they give you? What fears would they encourage you to push aside in order to live a bigger, juicier life? What hesitations would they downplay or quash? In our culture, we tend to avoid focusing on death, but it’s a reality for each of us.

Steve Jobs was a great spokesperson to this point. In a famous commencement address at Stanford, he encouraged grads to live each day as if it was their last. He cited his own mortality as the “tool” that kept him stretching and reaching to live his biggest life. As he stated: “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Here’s to quashing fear and following your heart in 2022!