FOMO (fear of missing out), envy, jealousy. The drivers of drama and sides of ourselves we hesitate to reveal. And yet, to feel any of these emotions is what it is to be human.
Every one of us will encounter envy at one point or another. In this digital age, it’s impossible to avoid. We can feel envy--a desire for something you lack that another person possesses—for objects, experiences and even states of mind (think of the friend whose job is on the upswing or is falling in love).
Walking Obie in my trendy neighborhood, I recently spotted a neighbor in a crisp, summery eyelit dress practically floating down the street. She had a graceful, easy elegance about her. Unhurried. I’d been searching weeks for new summer pieces, so I urged Obie into a trot to catch up with her.
This was a mild sort of envy. But digging deeper, my envy was about more than a piece of clothing. I wanted what she reflected: Calm confidence, elegance, and to look so beautiful, I garner the admiration of others.
Get Curious About Your Envy
The next time envy seizes you, get curious. What’s desirable? What does that thing really represent to you? Beyond the surface of the object or state, what’s the attraction? A few possibilities:
· Visibility
· Status
· Confidence
· Expertise
· Love
· Community
· Security
· Acceptance
Once we’ve decoded root of our desire, we gain greater clarity about our perceptions of what is lacking in our lives. We then have an opportunity:
1. Decide if we believe this perception is true
Do I really lack security? Am I not confident when I would wish to be? Am I disconnected and out of community?
2. Look for evidence
Am I not confident ALL the time or during certain situations? How often do these happen?
Step one builds greater self-awareness.
Step two gives you data. If there’s evidence to back your perception, congrats! Here’s an area of your life ripe for growth. What will you do with it?
If evidence is sparse (i.e. your perception is flawed), you can choose a new reaction. Rather than envy, celebrate what you admire. I call it the Dalai Lama approach to envy. If we’re all made of the same dust and energy, the advances and achievements of one can be honored by all. Your success doesn’t diminish me.
Is it easy or natural to pivot to a mindset of abundance and plenty? Hardly. For much of human history, if your neighbor had something that meant there was one less of it to go around. Truth is: Life is a potluck not a pie.
When we’re able to sidestep envy, we can harness joy and appreciation for what we already possess.
I think Charles Haddon Spurgeon said it best:
It’s not how much we have, but how much we enjoy that makes happiness.
Envy isn’t Green, It’s Gold
Beyond possessions and desirable experiences, envy can also shed light on what we’ve resisted. This is deeply powerful, friends. We may not be comfortable revealing what we envy, but if it’s followed by resistant excuses, you’ve hit gold.
Some gems I’ve commonly heard--
“I can’t go back to school…”
“I can’t change careers…”
“I can’t jump industries…”
“I can’t launch a business/consultancy/dream gig…”
“I can’t make a living as an artist/actor/performer…”
If you have evidence that your envy is rooted in truth, what is it you’re denying yourself?
Sift past the excuses and get real—rather than doing the thing, reaching for a new chapter, taking the scary action to grow, you’re generating reasons why you won’t.
The truth is YOU’RE the block.
For every one of these limitations, there are hundreds of people like you who have done the thing, become the artist or expert, written the damn book.
The real question is – will you?
Envy Can Reveal Our Calling
There’s an academic who sparks envy in me. Widely published, respected as a thought leader, this person has undoubtedly worked very hard to build the followers they’ve accumulated.
Their leadership looks so easy and natural, as if they’ve been in the spotlight for centuries. When I’ve gotten quiet to trace the origins of my envy I’ve discovered it’s not fame I admire. It’s their authorship and status as an expert.
Here’s how I can tell:
My envy isn’t limited to this single person! I’ve also felt jabs of it when I’ve learned of others in my communities who have published books and become thought leaders.
And you know what stands between me and the same achievement? Permission to step forward in spite of my fear and be seen. No one else can give it to me. Only I can.
What life’s path or achievement have you resisted? These can be well fortified choices. It’s likely you’ve been resisting for years. You may have some solid (and extensive!) justifications behind you, so be prepared. The excuses I’ve used to delay writing could fill a library.
But when we get quiet and allow our higher selves to be heard, the truth will emerge.
We’ll hear where we want more. Our hearts will tell us where we’re meant to be.
What we’re made to be.
The stronger the resistance, the more pressing the desire.
You have only one life. What do you owe it to yourself to at least explore?
Rather than brush aside envy as a minor emotion, let’s embrace it and practice curiosity. What else does envy have to share?